Raptor Jesus' Bible.

In the Beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. And we all know the story from there.

In the Period of Cretaceous, God grew distasteful of the Dinosaurs' wicked ways. (Actually, after a few billion years He was royally Bored and wanted to screw with the most intelligent life-forms available at the time.) So he descended unto a Virgin Raptor and made her lay a single egg.

This was long before anyone ever figured out the connection between mating and babies, so no one really gave a damn.

God commanded the virgin raptor to name her son Jesus. And so she did.

Jesus hatched, and his hatching was marked by a volcano erupting and wiping out the nests of nearly all other raptors. When He realized this, he promptly ran away and wandered in the desert, living a raptory life for 18 years, until he turned 32.

Raptor Jesus returned, gathering Thirteen followers of all species, and they wandered around doing stuff, fighting evil, and saving Prostisaurs. (That's their story and their sticking to it, in any case.)

But Tyrannicus Pilot, jealous of the tiny carnivore and his following, commanded Raptor Jesus to be killed and strung up on a tree. Raptor Jesus later found out he had been sold out by one of his followers, who was not really a dinosaur, but Chuck Norris and a Squid in an alligator skin.

This was done, and for three days, Raptor Jesus was on the Tree, but his followers didn't realize he was dead and kept talking to him. This later gave way to the phrase 'Hanging out with Raptor Jesus', which was shortened to 'hanging out.'

But on the third day, Raptor Jesus ascended into Heaven, only returning a few weeks later to wipe out Tyrannicus by way of becoming a giant meteor and totally pwning Earth.

To this day, dedicated followers celebrate Raptormas, when Raptor Jesus was hatched, and Reaster, the day Raptor Jesus pwned Earth. Both holidays are marked by complaining, giving emoticon gifts, and singing. The special thing of Raptormas is the Bone, a fossilized Raptor bone decorated with tinsel and complaints, believed to appease Raptor Jesus when he comes to your house to either bite off your head or give you presents. Reaster is celebrated by giving giant chocolate Dino-eggs.

Some say Raptor Jesus came again in the form of a man, but we all know he came back as a Werewolf, to pwn the Sparkly Vampire Menace God had unwittingly let loose.