Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

In the Beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. And we all know the story from there.

In the Period of Cretaceous, God grew distasteful of the Dinosaurs' wicked ways. (Actually, after a few billion years He was royally Bored and wanted to screw with the most intelligent life-forms available at the time.) So he descended unto a Virgin Raptor and made her lay a single egg.

This was long before anyone ever figured out the connection between mating and babies, so no one really gave a damn.

God commanded the virgin raptor to name her son Jesus. And so she did.

Jesus hatched, and his hatching was marked by a volcano erupting and wiping out the nests of nearly all other raptors. When He realized this, he promptly ran away and wandered in the desert, living a raptory life for 18 years, until he turned 32.

Raptor Jesus returned, gathering Thirteen followers of all species, and they wandered around doing stuff, fighting evil, and saving Prostisaurs. (That's their story and their sticking to it, in any case.)

But Tyrannicus Pilot, jealous of the tiny carnivore and his following, commanded Raptor Jesus to be killed and strung up on a tree. Raptor Jesus later found out he had been sold out by one of his followers, who was not really a dinosaur, but Chuck Norris and a Squid in an alligator skin.

This was done, and for three days, Raptor Jesus was on the Tree, but his followers didn't realize he was dead and kept talking to him. This later gave way to the phrase 'Hanging out with Raptor Jesus', which was shortened to 'hanging out.'

But on the third day, Raptor Jesus ascended into Heaven, only returning a few weeks later to wipe out Tyrannicus by way of becoming a giant meteor and totally pwning Earth.

To this day, dedicated followers celebrate Raptormas, when Raptor Jesus was hatched, and Reaster, the day Raptor Jesus pwned Earth. Both holidays are marked by complaining, giving emoticon gifts, and singing. The special thing of Raptormas is the Bone, a fossilized Raptor bone decorated with tinsel and complaints, believed to appease Raptor Jesus when he comes to your house to either bite off your head or give you presents. Reaster is celebrated by giving giant chocolate Dino-eggs.

Some say Raptor Jesus came again in the form of a man, but we all know he came back as a Werewolf, to pwn the Sparkly Vampire Menace God had unwittingly let loose.

And Yea, the Bible of Raptor Jesus is made!

ALL HAIL!

(Note: This is entirely for the lulz, no offense or anything is intended.)


Four years later: ... huh. Didn't expect it to remain popular, honestly xD I'm glad people seem to like it so much though! :)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconctbkewatt:
CTBKewatt Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I have found my new religion!
Reply
:icondantesparadisio:
DantesParadisio Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Yes.
Reply
:iconburgald:
Burgald Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Accept raptor jesus as your savior!
Reply
:iconburgald:
Burgald Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Hail Raptor Jesus!
Reply
:iconfantaseteen:
fantasEteen Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You have no idea how much I love you for this :rofl: 
Reply
:iconmanticoraltiger:
ManticoralTiger Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Student Artist
I  AM OFFENDED AS A CRISTIAN... and so on and on..
This was by far.. the most fucking hilarious thing i have read on da. 
:lol:
:iconfuckyeaplz: Thanks bro.
Reply
:iconminecraftianguy3:
MInecraftianGuy3 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013
I'm a Catholic, and I respect others beliefs. But trust me, when someone says that the Bible is a valid argument, it pisses me the FUCK off. I believe in God, but as Catholics, when we see hard scientific evidence in front of our eyes, we don't deny it. We say, "Alright, fine. So, THAT might not be real, but we can still think what we want." And I think that's a beautiful way of thinking. The Democratic*, Socialist**, open minded, and intellectual way of thinking.

*Not meaning to start controversy
**Socialist: Meaning, everyone gets a fair share of everything. Not everything is everyones (communism), or Everything belongs to a group of people, and a bit of it to some (capitalism... I despise it) .

Reply
:iconyoung-stoaty-chap:
Young-stoaty-chap Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm the raptor pope and I approve of this.
Reply
:iconblawx:
Blawx Featured By Owner May 21, 2013
ALL HAIL RAPTOR JESUS!!!
Reply
:iconkaiju-human:
Kaiju-Human Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Our Raptor,
Who art in /h/eaven,
shopped be Thy face;
Thy donations come,
Thy posts be done
in /b/ as it is in /h/eaven.
Give us this day our daily Bridget;
and forgive us our trolling
as we forgive those who troll against us,
and lead us not into faggotry,
but deliver us from /fur/ry.

Raptor Jesus is the saviour of all mankind, and will deliver thee to carnivorous enlightnement.

In the name of the Moot, the Raptor, and the Holy Server,
Amen.
Reply
:iconmoonstarthedragoncat:
MoonstarTheDragoncat Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"... who was not really a dinosaur, but Chuck Norris and a squid in an alligator suit." THIS. THIS HAS MADE MY YEAR. I APPLAUD THEE. :iconclapplz: TAKE THESE. YOU DESERVE THEM. :iconfreeinternetplz::iconfreevitalregionsplz: :iconyouwinplz:
Reply
:iconaaaaza:
aaaaZa Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012
I was an atheist before this.
Reply
:icontempestmaximumaleta:
TempestMaximumAleta Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2011
Oh my Raptor Jesus. That is amazing.
Reply
:iconmindslave24-7:
Mindslave24-7 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Pesky Sparkly Vampire menace! :shakefist:
Reply
:iconxgi-janiex:
xGI-Janiex Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011
Yeayeaa Raptor Jesus my lord, please dont bite my head off this Raptormas
Reply
:icondaemonvayne:
DaemonVayne Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011  Student Photographer
This is brilliant you sir have opened my eyes to religion XD
Reply
:iconcm-little-huttlets:
CM-little-huttlets Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2011
I love you Raptor Jesus! :iconraptorjesusplz: My soul has been saved!
Reply
:iconyokoshimana:
Yokoshimana Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011
:heart:
Yes!
Praise Lord Raptor Jesus. :eyes:
Reply
:iconcm-little-huttlets:
CM-little-huttlets Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011
Always :eyes:
Reply
:iconmaxwell-kyaren:
Maxwell-Kyaren Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:worship: All hail Raptor Jesus!! :iconraptorjesusplz:
Reply
:icontheantiflag:
Theantiflag Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2011
I havev been infused with the power of raptor jesus!!!.....why do I crave the raw flesh of sparkley douchbags?......sillyness aside, LOVED THIS!!!
Reply
:iconevilfangirl:
EvilFanGirl Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2011  Student General Artist
This kinda makes my life. :) Hurray! No longer an Atheist! Raptor Jesus has saved my soul! XD
Reply
:iconkmbackwardsk:
KMbackwardsK Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011
only those with the tastiest liversss will be saveddd...
Reply
:iconsagethewolf22:
sagethewolf22 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
the freshest mossst ssssucculent liversss...
Reply
:iconmanga-ka01:
Manga-Ka01 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is the most offensive yet interesting thing i have read...
Reply
:iconkwikkicat:
KwikkiCat Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011
ONLY THOSE WITH THE MOST TENDER LIVERS WILL BE SAVED!
Reply
:icondraco-spawn:
Draco-spawn Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
omg ilove this!!! rite to :+fav:s
Reply
:iconsafirediaz:
safirediaz Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is the most awesome story I've ever read ^^ PS: as a raptor/dinosaur would totally rawk! ^^
Reply
:iconbrojesus:
BroJesus Featured By Owner May 22, 2011
I giggled
Reply
:iconwhacked-out-inc:
Whacked-Out-Inc Featured By Owner May 18, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh wow... this makes more sense than the actual bible...

:iconbrilliantplz:
Reply
:iconbrunoraptor28:
brunoraptor28 Featured By Owner May 1, 2011
AARGH. What has gone wrong with you guys?!
Reply
:icontheantiflag:
Theantiflag Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2011
our livers are tasty, theres nothing wrong with us
Reply
:iconclaybrigadier:
ClayBrigadier Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
YOU ARE SICK IN THE HEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:icontheantiflag:
Theantiflag Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2011
and we LOVE IT!!! JOOOIIIIN UUUUUUUSSS JOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIINNNN UUUUUUUUSSSSSS!
Reply
:iconstarwarsmarvel:
StarWarsMarvel Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2011
beware of the secong coming of raptor jesus and the velocirapture people!
Reply
:iconjykell:
Jykell Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
He went extinct for our sins. Lol at the Sparkly reference.
Reply
:iconlynxclaw:
Lynxclaw Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2011
Oh em gee, this explains everything!!!!!!
Reply
:iconemmmahy:
emmmahy Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2011
I love you.
Reply
:iconingenworker:
InGenWorker Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2011
I belive in the religon of Raptor Jesus!
Reply
:iconcorypot170:
corypot170 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2011  Student Photographer
hahaha niiice
Reply
:iconwerewolfwoody:
WereWolfWoody Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2011
I can tell you by personal experience...

WereWolves do pwn, and

complaining rox!
Reply
:icono0spedshal0o:
o0spedshal0o Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2011  Student Artist
All hail indeed. :la:
Reply
:iconposeidonsimons:
poseidonsimons Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2011
thank you
from now on raptormas and reaster is what Im celebrating!
Reply
:iconalakadabra247:
alakadabra247 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2011
FOR TEH GLORIEZ OF RAPTORJESUS!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconxommon:
Xommon Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
... I'm converting. Now.
Reply
:iconvinctia:
Vinctia Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
ALL HAIL RAPTOR JESUS! KEELL TEH SPARKLY VAMPIRES! WITH FIYA!!!!!!

Yep, captions is a good way to express yourself.
Reply
:iconkingeibon:
kingeibon Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hail raptor jesus
HAIL
Reply
:iconfourdirtypaws:
FourDirtyPaws Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2010  Student General Artist
*U*

bow down to his greatness
Reply
:iconalakadabra247:
alakadabra247 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2010
i just jizzed in my pants
Reply
:iconxommon:
Xommon Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You just stole my line.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:icondr-paine: More from Dr-Paine


Featured in Collections

Stories Poems and Other Writings by Jade-Encrusted-Bugs




Details

Submitted on
December 12, 2008
File Size
2.6 KB
Thumb

Stats

Views
15,782 (4 today)
Favourites
415 (who?)
Comments
131
×