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Stories Poems and Other Writings by Jade-Encrusted-Bugs


Submitted on
December 12, 2008
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14,561 (1 today)
418 (who?)

In the Beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. And we all know the story from there.

In the Period of Cretaceous, God grew distasteful of the Dinosaurs' wicked ways. (Actually, after a few billion years He was royally Bored and wanted to screw with the most intelligent life-forms available at the time.) So he descended unto a Virgin Raptor and made her lay a single egg.

This was long before anyone ever figured out the connection between mating and babies, so no one really gave a damn.

God commanded the virgin raptor to name her son Jesus. And so she did.

Jesus hatched, and his hatching was marked by a volcano erupting and wiping out the nests of nearly all other raptors. When He realized this, he promptly ran away and wandered in the desert, living a raptory life for 18 years, until he turned 32.

Raptor Jesus returned, gathering Thirteen followers of all species, and they wandered around doing stuff, fighting evil, and saving Prostisaurs. (That's their story and their sticking to it, in any case.)

But Tyrannicus Pilot, jealous of the tiny carnivore and his following, commanded Raptor Jesus to be killed and strung up on a tree. Raptor Jesus later found out he had been sold out by one of his followers, who was not really a dinosaur, but Chuck Norris and a Squid in an alligator skin.

This was done, and for three days, Raptor Jesus was on the Tree, but his followers didn't realize he was dead and kept talking to him. This later gave way to the phrase 'Hanging out with Raptor Jesus', which was shortened to 'hanging out.'

But on the third day, Raptor Jesus ascended into Heaven, only returning a few weeks later to wipe out Tyrannicus by way of becoming a giant meteor and totally pwning Earth.

To this day, dedicated followers celebrate Raptormas, when Raptor Jesus was hatched, and Reaster, the day Raptor Jesus pwned Earth. Both holidays are marked by complaining, giving emoticon gifts, and singing. The special thing of Raptormas is the Bone, a fossilized Raptor bone decorated with tinsel and complaints, believed to appease Raptor Jesus when he comes to your house to either bite off your head or give you presents. Reaster is celebrated by giving giant chocolate Dino-eggs.

Some say Raptor Jesus came again in the form of a man, but we all know he came back as a Werewolf, to pwn the Sparkly Vampire Menace God had unwittingly let loose.

And Yea, the Bible of Raptor Jesus is made!


(Note: This is entirely for the lulz, no offense or anything is intended.)

Four years later: ... huh. Didn't expect it to remain popular, honestly xD I'm glad people seem to like it so much though! :)
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CTBKewatt Featured By Owner May 2, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I have found my new religion!
DantesParadisio Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Burgald Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Accept raptor jesus as your savior!
Burgald Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Hail Raptor Jesus!
fantasEteen Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You have no idea how much I love you for this :rofl: 
ManticoralTiger Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2013  Student Artist
I  AM OFFENDED AS A CRISTIAN... and so on and on..
This was by far.. the most fucking hilarious thing i have read on da. 
:iconfuckyeaplz: Thanks bro.
MInecraftianGuy3 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2013
I'm a Catholic, and I respect others beliefs. But trust me, when someone says that the Bible is a valid argument, it pisses me the FUCK off. I believe in God, but as Catholics, when we see hard scientific evidence in front of our eyes, we don't deny it. We say, "Alright, fine. So, THAT might not be real, but we can still think what we want." And I think that's a beautiful way of thinking. The Democratic*, Socialist**, open minded, and intellectual way of thinking.

*Not meaning to start controversy
**Socialist: Meaning, everyone gets a fair share of everything. Not everything is everyones (communism), or Everything belongs to a group of people, and a bit of it to some (capitalism... I despise it) .

Young-stoaty-chap Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm the raptor pope and I approve of this.
Blawx Featured By Owner May 21, 2013
Kaiju-Human Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Our Raptor,
Who art in /h/eaven,
shopped be Thy face;
Thy donations come,
Thy posts be done
in /b/ as it is in /h/eaven.
Give us this day our daily Bridget;
and forgive us our trolling
as we forgive those who troll against us,
and lead us not into faggotry,
but deliver us from /fur/ry.

Raptor Jesus is the saviour of all mankind, and will deliver thee to carnivorous enlightnement.

In the name of the Moot, the Raptor, and the Holy Server,
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